Control vs. Being in Charge: Why Control Is a Sucker’s Bet — and What to Do Instead
Control vs. Being in Charge
Why Control Is a Sucker’s Bet - and What to Do Instead
We all love feeling in control. It makes us feel safe, capable, and like the world can’t throw us off balance. But there’s a hidden cost: control is one of the most exhausting patterns we run - and one of the oldest nervous-system habits we inherit.
Let’s talk about why control feels good, why it backfires, and the Black Belt Mind way to swap control for something better: being in charge.
Why Control Feels So Good (Until It Doesn’t)
As kids, the world changes in a heartbeat. Sometimes that’s thrilling; sometimes it’s terrifying. One of the earliest solutions we come up with is:
“I’ll control it.”
Control makes us feel safe.
It makes us feel competent.
It helps us avoid overwhelm.
And for a while? It works beautifully.
Until:
1. It becomes stressful to control all the things, and
2. The world refuses to be controlled.
Cue: tightening your grip.
Cue: stress, agitation, resentment, and the creeping sense that nothing is “just right.”
The Black Belt Mind Alternative: Being in Charge
In the Black Belt Mind framework (and in our Hypno-Somatic-NAP™ work), there’s a powerful distinction:
Being in control is reactive and aimed at ONE thing ONE way.
Being in charge is responsive and aimed at getting where you want to go.
Being in control insists:
“THURSDAY IS TACO NIGHT. WE ARE HAVING TACOS COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.”
Being in charge asks:
“What’s the purpose here, and what gets us there with the least resistance?”
Being in control says Thursday is taco night, so you are making tacos tonight come hell or high water. Which means if the taco shells break, you go to the store for new ones - or send your partner, who then gets annoyed because they were about to beat that level on Candy Crush and now they're going to the stupid store - so they get upset at you and you get upset back at them because for the love of Pete, do you have to do EVERYTHING around here plus how many levels of Candy Crush do you need a day and fine! you'll go to get the taco shells yourself because apparently you're the only one who cares about taco night or ANYTHING!
See? Crazy-making.
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Control says: uphold the sacred law of Taco Night no matter what the cost.
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Being in charge says: taco bowls. Taco soup. Whatever gets us fed and keeps things sane is fine.
One is rigid. One is adaptive. Only one of them supports your nervous system.
Control as a Trauma Response (and Why It Shows Up in Surprising Places)
The need to control isn’t a personality flaw. It’s an ancient survival pattern. For many people, especially those with inherited or early-life trauma patterns, control becomes:
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A way to avoid disappointment
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A way to avoid shame
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A way to prevent chaos
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A way to feel safe internally
It leaks into everything:
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Fighting with your partner as a form of covert control
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Loading the dishwasher exactly one way (don't get me started on people putting knives point up...shudder)
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Staying up late because “no one tells me when to sleep”
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Cravings for food, substances, or behaviors
This is why we dedicated Night 2 of our Cravings Audios entirely to Control... because cravings are often about safety, not desire.
How Hypno-Somatic-NAP™ Helps You Let Go (Without Losing Safety)
If you try to change control at the conscious level, it works...until you’re tired or distracted. Or busy. Or human.
Hypno-Somatic-NAP™ shifts the underlying protective mechanism, so your nervous system can say:
“I’m safe even when I’m not controlling everything.”
That’s when control stops being a compulsion and becomes a choice.
This is why we're offering the first three nights of several audio series for free:
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Cravings (Nights 1–3 free)
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Stop Pain (Nights 1–3 free)
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Unweighting (Nights 1–3 free)
They’re designed to soften old imprints and give your system a new baseline — one where safety doesn’t depend on holding everything together.
People have been giving us some great feedback:
“I don’t know why, but I’m happier after listening.”
“How am I suddenly not craving chocolate anymore?”
“My husband stopped being annoying… and he didn’t even listen to the audios yet.” 😂
If You Want Help Letting Go of Control (Without Losing Safety)
Start here:
👉 Before You Sleep: Hypno-Somatic-NAP™ Audios
Three free nights included. No credit card. No tricks.
These audios help rewire the patterns behind control so you can feel grounded, calm, and genuinely in charge.
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